Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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