1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
