I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Randomize
