apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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