I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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