turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
