Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
