can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
