ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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