Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
