you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
