Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
