You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
