i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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