gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm passing your future prison.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
