She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
this beer tastes like vomit already
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
