do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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