I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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