I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
