I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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