Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
