she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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