and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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