Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
