Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
