i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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