I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
