You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
