Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
no you cant smoke seaweed
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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