Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
