remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
