Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
