I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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