I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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