i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
