How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
