LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
