I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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