the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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