Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
