So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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