just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
