I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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