Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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