I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
