i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
