Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
