just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
