Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
