I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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