I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
